More idiotic email questions graciously answered

Oh my, was there a load of idiots who wrote in today. Take this one for example:

Hey Bird Brain,

I have been spending many days chasing down a monster. Yes, a monster. This monster is the spawn of the Dark King of all Demonic Monsters and wakens me each morning at 6:00 AM sharp.

Oh, that tongue and that breath. Stop licking my face, you vile beast!

Do all bulldogs do that? This bulldog, besides being a demon, is retarded. Do you think anyone will care if I kill IT?

Curious George, but not the one that is a monkey

Well, my curious questioner. I normally only answer one question per idiot and you have posed two. The answer you seek is yes. Please apply such liberally and learn to live with your fellow creatures. I share a habitat with a bulldog, as well, as you likely know. Otherwise you were really taking a shot in the dark by asking me that pair of idiotic questions. However, I have learned that idiots, if nothing else, are highly unpredictable. Again, the answer is yes.

Posted by: Bird Brain at 09:33 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I just don't get it

I overheard this earlier today. I am not sure exactly what is so funny about it, but the group that was surrounding the human who told it were all laughing heartily.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started.

Posted by: Mr Mouse at 04:47 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Mr Mouse enjoys a holiday

I apologize for my lack of blogging today. It was such a lovely day that I wanted to get out. I was hanging out over in the parking lot of the Pak-n-Sak begging customers for spare cheese. You would have thought I was a fanatical Islamic terrorist from the hysterical reactions I received upon approaching a couple of female humans.

Despite your belief that a mouse would never be able to score some cheese by hanging around a convenience store parking lot, some of the holiday crowd were very receptive to my presence. One man even stopped to talk to me and acted like he understood what I was saying. Either that, or he just knew that I was asking for cheese. I did not get any cheese, however. I did get a whole bag full of cheese flavored snacks. It is not quite the same, but what do they say, beggars can't be choosers?

Tracking back to OTB, Boss!

Posted by: Mr Mouse at 04:06 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Answering Idiots is the name of the game

Another email to be answered:

Hey!

Since that Miss Kitty is falling down on her end of the blogging chore, do you think maybe I could become a member of your team?

Kang A. Roo

Mr. Roo, your reputation in the blogosphere precedes you. All of us here at Beyond the Black Hole are aware that you provide the punchlines for the Dumb Ass Jokes over at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon. Only an idiot would have become involved in that ordeal and we already have our share of idiots involved with this blog. Such idiots would be all that are currently involved save myself. Sorry, but we are not currently accepting applications for substitute blog authors. If you will leave your resume, we may contact you in the future should we find an opening.

Posted by: Bird Brain at 11:42 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Regarding the long long life of Mr Mouse

Bird Brain is talking about writing his autobiography. I bet it would be interesting, as he has been around for almost forever. He said something about being around before Elvis was King, whatever that means. I was thinking about writing my autobiography as well. I suppose I could begin it with something like:

It was a dark and stormy night on October 3, 2003 when Marjorie gave birth to nine little naked baby mice. It was a day later when she got around to giving them all names and saddled me with the moniker, Mortimer.

So? What do you think? Do you think it has any potential to be a best seller?

Posted by: Mr Mouse at 09:13 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Some very interesting statistics

I have discovered that today, beside a smattering of visitors from the old U. S. of A., our pitiful blog had visitors from Japan, Denmark, Australia, Canada, Singapore, and Belgium. I find it amazing that denizens of these foreign countries not only have the ability to read about our adventures over these great distances and find it highly amazing that they should wish to do so.

Posted by: Bird Brain at 12:00 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Wishing Miss Kitty well on the road to recovery

The one or two of you who have been visiting this blog have likely noticed there has been some problems dealing with our friend, sometimes enemy, Miss Kitty. Thanks to the superior snooping skills of Mr Mouse, it was learned that Miss Kitty was abusing the catnip ball greatly. Her addiction to the substance was affecting her personality and her abilities to deal with her responsibilities. I, Bill Bulldog, and surmounting his great fear, Mr Mouse, confronted Miss Kitty about her substance abuse problems in an intervention. She protested and resisted, but our resolve was firm. Eventually we convinced Miss Kitty to seek treatment for her addiction. Tomorrow, she will enter the Morris the Cat Clinic for Felines with Substance Abuse Problems and remain therein until she has kicked the catnip habit.

I am almost positive that your well wishes will speed her recovery. Any who wish to do so, please use the comments. All comments will be forwarded on to our dear Miss Kitty.

Posted by: Bird Brain at 11:13 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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With a little help from my friends?

Well, thanks to my friend Tyson, I have decided to take up a new hobby. However, I need a bit of equipment. As Mr Mouse finds it difficult dealing with humans in matters concerning money and communication, I too face similar difficulties. Can anyone advise me as how to communicate to our nameless benefactor that I need something from the local sporting goods store?

I must thank David for having initially introduced me to Tyson.

Posted by: Bill Bulldog at 09:31 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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But it did not say a thing about cheese

Wow, it seems that Bird Brain has been doing well with answering emails on this blog. He gets a lot of emails, though. I do not get so many. I think maybe more Parrots read blogs than mice. Still, I did get an email today, so I thought maybe I could do what Bird Brain does and post it here and answer it. Unlike the short emails that Bird Brain gets, however, I got this:

Dear Mr Mouse,

You may be surprised to receive this letter from me since you do not know me personally. The purpose of my introduction is that I am Mbeki Salingo, the first son of MERIMBE TUTU SALINGO ,the most popular black farmer in Zimbabwe who was recently murdered in the land dispute in my country.

I got your contact through network online hence decided to write you. Before the death of my father, he had taken me to Johannesburg to deposit the sum of US8.5 Million (Eight Million, Five Hundred United States dollars)in one of the private security company, as he foresaw the looming danger in Zimbabwe this money was deposited in a box as gemstones to avoid much demurrage from security company. This amount was meant for the purchase of new machines and chemicals for the Farms and establishment of new farms in Swaziland. This land problem came when Zimbabwean President Mr.Robert Mugabe introduced a new Land Act Reform wholly affected the rich white farmers and some few black farmers.And this resulted to the killing and mob action by Zimbabwean war veterans and some lunatics in the society. In fact a lot of people were killed because of this Land reform Act for which my father was one of the victims.

It is against this background that, I and my family fled Zimbabwe for fear of our lives and are currently staying in Spain where we are seeking political asylum and moreso have decided to transfer my father^Òs money to a more reliable foreign account. since the law of Spain prohibits a refugee (asylum seeker) to open any bank account or to be involved in any financial transaction throughout the territorial zone of Spain, As the eldest son of my father, I am saddled with the responsibility of seeking a genuine foreign account where this money could be transferred without the knowledge of my government who are bent on taking verything we have got. The South African government seems to be playing along with them. I am faced with the dilemma of moving this amount of money out of South Africa for fear of going through the same experience in future, both countries have similar political history. As a businessman,I am seeking for a partner who I have to entrust my future and of my family in his hands, I must let you know that this transaction is risk free. If you accept to assist me and my family,all I want you to do for me, is to arrangements with the security company to clear the consignment(funds) from their afiliate office here in Spain as i have already given directives for the consignment to be brought to Spain from South Africa.But before then all modalities will have to be put in place e.g change of ownership of the consignment and This money I intend to use for investment.

I have two options for you. Firstly you can choose to have certain percentage of the money for nominating your account for this transaction. Or you can go into partnership with me for the proper profitable investment of the money in your country. Whichever the option you want, feel free to notify me. I have also mapped out 5% of this money for all kinds of expensesincurred in the process of this transaction. If you do not prefer a partnership I am willing to give you 15% of the money while the remaining 80% will be for my investment in your country. Contact me with my private E-mail address (mbekisalingo@zwallet.com) while I implore you to maintain the absolute secrecy required in this transaction.

Thanks, GOD BLESS YOU

Yours Faithfully,
Mbeki Salingo

Oh goodness, Mbeki, that is a very sad story. My condolences for the loss of your father. Your situation sounds very involved and much too complicated for my little mouse brain to comprehend. What do you mean by modalities?If I understand correctly, you want my assistance with transferring a large sum of dollars in some manner. Mice have no understanding of money matters nor do we have any real need for money. All mice of my acquaintance simply forage for whatever they need, being cheese or other delicious repast. Money might be beneficial for purchasing large quantities of cheese, but the humans in my local area have shown to have no understanding of mouse speak. I fear that I can be of no help to you.

Posted by: Mr Mouse at 07:49 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A smattering of recognition

So, so, there is not woe, for I am here to tell you that Mr Rob from that world renowned Internet publication: CrabAppleLane Blog, has paid this poor worthless blog the highest compliment. We have been named as Blog of the Day. Such accolades please us well, but we are cowed as we feel we are not worthy of such honor. However, we do feel so so appreciative for such honor. Thank you very very much, Mr Rob.

Posted by: Bird Brain at 03:44 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Scraping the bottom of the barrel for something to share

What a dreary day. The lack of readership is depressing Mr Mouse, Miss Kitty has opted out for the time being, and Bill Bulldog is still recovering from this traumatic episode. I have not found anything on which I feel compelled to comment. However, I am of the opinion that there needs to be some kind of new content in this blog if it is ever to amount to anything amongst the millions and millions of other blogs that also clamor to be seen. Still, I am blank. I have no choice but to reach into that inbox and retrieve another of those emails with some request to answer a question. Let me see, how about this one:

Dear Bird Brain:

I think Beyond the Black Hole is a fantastic blog. I think you are truly cool. What I would like to know is, do you think that Jimmy Buffett's Changes in Latitudes Changes in Attitudes is the best album of all time?

Michael W. Miller, Key West, FL

I appreciate your letter Michael and both your opinion about this blog and my personal temperature, however, you have posed a question that is truly unanswerable. Although it is a fact that Jimmy Buffett is, indeed, a friend to the Parrots and that such album is recognized as one of Buffet's finest achievements, all time has not yet passed. I shall be unable to make any such determination until it has done so.

Posted by: Bird Brain at 07:12 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Strange days are made like these?

I am not sure if the allowed under the Mouse Council laws for a mouse to admit that anything a cat says is correct, but I am almost sure that if it was not for the following searches, hardly anyone would have even visited this blog at all today:

AOL: black sista dancers
Google: smells like tuna
Google: black holes on penis
Google: grey parrots and colorblind
Google: not a creature was stirring
Yahoo !: all kind of rodents
Yahoo !: biggest black hole of all time

Posted by: Mr Mouse at 05:54 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Toying with an idea

I don't understand why I have such a hard time talking to my blogging partners about things on my mind. It is like whenever I try to get close to Mr Mouse, he runs into the hole in the wall. If I go and try to talk to Bird Brain, he runs to the other side of his cage and starts squawking like crazy. I do not even try to get close to Bill Bulldog, as you know how crazy dogs can be. It is like they have something against cats or something. For several days, I have been trying and trying to tell them that is seems that no matter how hard you try or how often you blog, no one seems to really care enough to even come around to see what you have written. If, for some strange reason, they do come to see what is new, they never seem to stay around long enough to even leave a comment.

I have been keeping to myself these last few days, but I was unable to keep from hearing them saying that I am not keeping up with doing my part on this blog. That may be so, then again, maybe they have been wasting their time and I am the one the smart one. I don't know. They do seem to be having fun. I suppose if things should improve somewhat, I might do a bit more blogging. We shall see, I guess.

Posted by: Miss Kitty at 11:12 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Lost posts and altered passwords

Susie says she doesn't have anything to blog about and yet was able to blog. In fact, she was so well prepared that thanks to her

"save early, save often" philosophy

she was able to avoid the mess that just befell me. Yes, I just lost the previous totally meaningless and poorly composed post that been designed to occupy this space. It somehow disappeared into that great void where lost posts go. Bird Brain suggested that it is the same place where missing socks reside. He is wrong about that, but I am not going to share such information with him. I am avoiding him because he changed my password. All morning, I sat here, to no avail, racking my pitifully poor little mouse brain trying all kinds of combinations. Bird Brain had his laughs and I finally gave up. I left. I took my secret tunnel outside to eat some of the bird seed that had fallen from the bird feeder onto the ground below. I came back in and the password had been changed back to *******. I am worn out now and ready for a nap.

Posted by: Mr Mouse at 12:50 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Another idiot with a question

Maybe I should not have opened the floor for your ignorant questions. It seems my mail bag was full of them. However, I suppose I could answer one. Let me pick one from random. Let's see what this says:

Hey Bird Brain,

Has anyone ever told you that you are an arrogant asshole?

Donald Rapport
Pawtucket, Massachussetts

Hi Donald,

I want to thank you for your question. Yes, surprisingly, one person previously had the audacity to say that into my face. For having done so, I bit her nose right off of her face. Now, where exactly do you live?

Posted by: Bird Brain at 10:18 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Dog Day afternoon -- and on and on it went

I heard some of you had been worrying about me, but then that might just be what I heard. I looked around at the comments and such, and I seen very few signs anyone even missed me being around. So, does anyone want to know where I have been? OK, since you are all silent, I am going to tell the story just for the sake of that poor little homeless girl who emailed in from the public library. I was incarcerated.

Yes, I just spent almost the last 36 hours in the local hound pound. It was a set up, I am sure. You see, there I was in the back yard minding my own business, just napping in the sun when this aroma hits my highly sensitive nose. It was definitely female and it was definitely a female craving some male attention. I am not sure you humans can understand this, but us dogs have an uncanny sense about such things. Of course, I in the backyard surrounded by fences, but I ran over and peeked through the cracks between the boards to catch sight of this little French poodle number. She looked my way, and I know she knew I was watching, because she started shaking that cropped tail just ever so friskily and carrying her nose in the air. She was showing that canine disdain that says Sorry buster, you just are not of my class. Still, I watched, mesmerized by that lithe canine form until she turned the corner and went out of my sight. I ran quickly to the gate so as to get a better look through the big crack between the gate and the fence, and as fate would have it, when I jumped up on the gate to peek through the biggest hole, the gate opened. I was free.

I quickly ran to the little frisky French number but she saw me coming and ran away. I thought she was just playing hard to get so I pursued. I had nearly caught her when I heard a human call out "Monique" and she darted off around another corner. I, of course, kept in hot pursuit. As I turned the corner, I saw her run between two human legs through an partially opened door into some unknown habitat. I dared not venture farther.

I decided to take up watch and did so, parking myself on the sidewalk in front of this habitat awaiting the time when Miss Monique would again come through that door. I was sure what with that aroma of need that she emitted, she would venture forth at the earliest opportunity. I guess I must have let my mind drift too much into the thoughts of what misdeeds in which Miss Monique and I might engage upon the very next opportunity and failed to notice as the local law enforcement personnel came up behind me and arrested me for stalking. I had done nothing but sit there and watch the door, but here I was accused of stalking. It was unfair, I tell you.

I was taken to the pokey and thrown into a cell with a black Labrador with some really bad breath. I was deprived of my right to a phone call and the food was horrible. I think it was that Ol' Roy stuff they sell at Walmart. Have you ever tasted that stuff. It isn't fit for a dog. Anyway, thank goodness I was wearing my neckware with my identification, because they eventually were able to contact our unnamed human benefactor who arranged my release.

Pretty sad situation, I know. I still think it was a set up. I think that French bitch planned the whole thing. I never did trust those French.

Posted by: Bill Bulldog at 08:36 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Lost dog UPDATE!

Bill Bulldog is home. He just came in with the nameless human who shares our habitat. I will attempt to get closer to the situation in hopes that I can an idea as to where he has been. The atmosphere in this house is currently eerie and calm. Miss Kitty just ran out of the kitchen and up the stairs to take refuge in the spare bedroom. Bird Brain is strangely silent. Something is afoot. However, Bill Bulldog is alive and well, or so he seemed during that short view I had of him between the front door and the kitchen.

Posted by: Mr Mouse at 06:51 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Often believed to be more valuable than gold

Did you ever wish you weighed a whole lot more? I mean, it is not that I don't like myself the way I am, but if I was going to win my weight in cheese, I think I would want to weigh more than 11 ounces.

Bird Brain says we need to make sure we remember where we found the links to these stories, so I found that one at one of the few blogs that always has a bit of cheese for me: The Cheese Stands Alone (and often unguarded)

Posted by: Bird Brain at 06:26 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Beware the Nation of Weebles

Now Mr Mouse has been scurrying about over the last couple of days through this blog and that, doing a great job of avoiding Miss Kitty. In his adventures, he collected quite a few scraps of paper upon which various different things are written. I was looking through this pile and ran across some very interesting information, and found some connections that I thought I would share. After all, if it was not for us Parrots pointing the way, most discoverers would have discovered diddly-squat.

I guess the first thing that I ought to bring to your attention is this very well written, albeit a bit long, piece from The New Yorker about a new scientific methodology: biological economics in the form of a study into anthropometric history.

Around the time of the Civil War, AmericansÂ’ heights predictably decreased: Union soldiers dropped from sixty-eight to sixty-seven inches in the mid-eighteen-hundreds, and similar patterns held for West Point cadets, Amherst students, and free blacks in Maryland and Virginia. By the end of the nineteenth century, however, the country seemed set to regain its eminence. The economy was expanding at a dramatic rate, and public-hygiene campaigns were sweeping the cities clean at last: for the first time in American history, urbanites began to outgrow farmers.

Then something strange happened. While heights in Europe continued to climb, Komlos said, “the U.S. just went flat.” In the First World War, the average American soldier was still two inches taller than the average German. But sometime around 1955 the situation began to reverse. The Germans and other Europeans went on to grow an extra two centimetres a decade, and some Asian populations several times more, yet Americans haven’t grown taller in fifty years. By now, even the Japanese—once the shortest industrialized people on earth—have nearly caught up with us, and Northern Europeans are three inches taller and rising.

The average American man is only five feet nine and a half—less than an inch taller than the average soldier during the Revolutionary War. Women, meanwhile, seem to be getting smaller. According to the National Center for Health Statistics—which conducts periodic surveys of as many as thirty-five thousand Americans—women born in the late nineteen-fifties and early nineteen-sixties average just under five feet five. Those born a decade later are a third of an inch shorter.

Just in case I still thought this a trivial trend, Komlos put a final bar graph in front of me. It was entitled “Life Expectancy 2000.” Compared with people in thirty-six other industrialized countries, it showed, Americans rank twenty-eighth in average longevity—just above the Irish and the Cypriots (the Japanese top the rankings). “Ask yourself this,” Komlos said, peering at me above his reading glasses. “What is the difference between Western Europe and the U.S. that would work in this direction? It’s not income, since Americans, at least on paper, have been wealthier for more than a century. So what is it?”

It, it turns out is the growing gap between the haves and the have nots, the increase in choosing fast food over nutritious food and the mass urbanization of the populations, which spreads disease more rapidly.

As more and more Americans turn to a fast-food diet, its effects may be creeping up the social ladder, so that even the wealthy are growing wider rather than taller.

So, McDonald's is to fault for the this trend of Americans to become obese after all? Well, although the court's have yet to sustain that there is a cause of action against McDonald's for the obesity of its patrons, McDonald's is taking steps toward doing its part in making Americans healthier, announcing today a plan to market new health conscious Adult Happy Meals.

Instead of Happy Meal standards like a burger and a toy, the new Go Active meal will include a salad, an exercise booklet and a pedometer meant to encourage walking.

Hopefully Americans will take heed. Of course, if you listened to us Parrots, you would eschew meat all together and stick with fruits and coarse grains.

Another correlation found between The New Yorker story and some of the other news items floating around was this:

The Netherlands, as any European can tell you, has become a land of giants. In a century’s time, the Dutch have gone from being among the smallest people in Europe to the largest in the world. The men now average six feet one—seven inches taller than in van Gogh’s day—and the women five feet eight.

So, the Dutch are now the big people on the planet. Well, it also seems that they may be some of the stupidest people in the world also. As a Parrot, I have long been accustomed to being around sailors. Sailors mutilate their bodies by getting tattoos, and piercing various parts of their bodies. I have noticed the youth around the world all want to be sailors or look like sailors or whatever, because all cuss like sailors and put tattoos all over their bodies and pierce places that really should not be pierced, but have the Dutch not gone a bit too far?

Now I am sure that all of these stories came from somewhere. I am positive that there should be some attribution paid to various bloggers for having found these stories. However, Mr Mouse failed to take notes. I am not too sure he actually intended that I should have poured through these various scraps to find items for use in composing this story. He may have merely intended to use them as fresh bedding. Still, if you fell that you have been robbed of your claim at having found any one of these stories, please leave a comment and I will be happy to rectify the situation.

Posted by: Bird Brain at 04:18 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The Bird has been left completely speechless

Well, it seems that the judges at the Ecosystem contest have reviewed our entry in light of the very danger such an award played upon the person of yours truly. Instead of an award of a ghastly mouse-killing slithering reptile, we have been upgraded to the next prize level. We have been informed that we are now to receive a flappy bird. Bird Brain is so assured that such will be a female and hopefully of the Parrot or Cockatoo variety that he is preening and sprucing up while we await the delivery truck.

While I do have your attention, I was hopeful some of you might not mind hanging a few of our lost dog posters in unobtrusive places around your blogs?

Tracking back to OTB

Posted by: Mr Mouse at 01:27 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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