August 10, 2004
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses so I will have something at which to aim my ray gun
Have you ever met one of those individuals that seems to be weird and bit slow like they have a few screws loose and rolling around inside their cranium? Don't you imagine they think of themselves as perfect and that you are likely a bit weird? I bet they wonder why you stare at them and talk about them like they weren't there. earthlings! I am so very glad that I am not among such pitiful species. There is not a single brain among them all. Zapping targets is about the only good use for them, it seems. Almost to a person, they are too stupid to even be worth taking to Io to use as mining slaves. Now where did I leave that crate of K-cell batteries. I need to make sure this ray gun is fully charged.
Posted by: Zongo the Ruthless at
10:56 PM
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Someone has gone a bit too far
My assistant has been imaged while on the job. When I find the person responsible for having outed such a hard working member of my staff in such an undignified manner, I will zap more crap out of such entity that all of the rest of you puny earthlings will think he or she was made out of such.
Posted by: Zongo the Ruthless at
08:58 AM
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The All-Seeing Eye
The convention is going nicely. I have been trading notes with some of my contemporaries about new torture methods, better idea about who to choose to spare and use as slaves and which ones to disintegrate, and what kind of new ray guns are in development. The All-Seeing Eye had a booth set up, but was not making individual views into the future. It just publicly opened its portal for all to view into. While most of it would be uninteresting to you earthlings, there was one thing of which you might have taken notice. It was the disclosure than there was a strange correlation between the Kerry/Edwards ticket and the plot of The Manchurian Candidate.
Posted by: Zongo the Ruthless at
07:52 AM
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August 09, 2004
Posting from somewhere beyond Pluto
I know none of you silly soon-to-be-zapped to crap earthlings give a shit about anything I have to say, but just for your information, you do have time to kiss your ass good-bye right at the moment as I am busy being the guest speaker at The Universal Convention of Planet Conquerors tonight. I had to leave yesterday before I had time to inform everyone of my plans just to get here in time for the last evening's banquet. I had forgotten that I had agreed to take Ming the Merciless' place this year at the speaker's podium. Thankfully, his assistant called me to remind me about the forecast of an imminent attack from Flash Gordon was coming his way.
Now that you all know my current position, you can see that you have a bit of a head start now, right? Do your very best to conceal yourselves, because when I get back, we are going to have a great time playing Hide 'n Seek. Olly, Olly zap the guy hiding behind that tree.
Posted by: Zongo the Ruthless at
06:55 PM
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August 07, 2004
Where'd everybody go?
I was wanting to zap the crap out of some idiot and was unable to find one. I did, however, find a whole busload of assholes with silly grins all over their faces and zapped the holy crap out of them all. I love my job!
Posted by: Zongo the Ruthless at
12:03 AM
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August 06, 2004
I have seen through the subterfuge
I had to zap the crap out of four different idiots today just to get something for breakfast, some fuel for this primitive vehicle that seems to be the current mode of transportation on this backward planet, then another when I wanted to sample this "Sno-Cone" item that seemed to be painted all over this tiny building with a long line waiting in front of it, and lastly I zapped that idiot that refused to pull off the road when I was in a hurry. I continued to observe the worthless beings on this planet and have discovered that they have disguised financial exchange documents in these little machines sitting here and there about town. From what I could understand of the crude mechanism was that you fed it a small card of some synthetic material and it would provide several documents you could trade for materials and services in the local area. I was not in possession of one of the synthetic material cards, so I gave the mechanism a good zap with my ray gun and it began to spit out all those little green documents, you know the ones, they have all these pictures of old members of the species supposedly in control of this planet. Now in possession of a large handful of these documents, I entered an eating establishment. I knew that was what it was from the smell coming out, the odor of a large slab of meat roasting over an open flame. I tried everything they offered and it was all edible. Everyone was so nice that I gave them the whole handful of documents in exchange for the food and service provided. Maybe not everyone on this backward planet deserves to be zapped. Maybe I will just zap the ones who can not cook worth a crap. Sounds like a plan, doesn't it? You can learn some amusing phrases by watching the educational video appliance occupying a major space in my new home.
Posted by: Zongo the Ruthless at
06:42 PM
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August 05, 2004
I must have fallen into a nicely laid trap
I was doing a bit of investigation on a few matters I thought I had better clear up before beginning my big push to take over this backward planet like finding out who really shot J.R., who it was that framed Roger Rabbit, and what number and letters were responsible for bringing today's episode of Sesame Street when I came across this package of something called "cigarettes". I actually discovered them through spending a long time observing this earthling female in the eating establishment, not a high class place in my opinion, who seemed to take one of these cigarettes from the pack, light it from a horribly small flame-thrower made out of some really cheap material, and then suck the smoke from the burning material within the cigarette into her mouth over and over until she had depleted a large amount of the flammable material within the cigarette, then she would snuff that one out and immediately remove a cigarette from the pack and repeat the process. I was unable to understand the attraction of this exercise, so when she excused herself to powder her nose, and, although I am not understanding the purpose of that exercise either, it was what she told everyone she was going to do when she left her seat . . . but anyway, she left and left the cigarettes on the table. I decided that I would help myself to one of them, and did so. I easily lit it with my ray gun, and regrettably, forgot to take into account all other factors, so, as well as lighting the cigarette, I disintegrated the window to the establishment, six cars and about half a dozen pedestrians. That cigarette was great. When the girl came back, while she was looking at the destruction caused by my inattentive use of my ray gun, I asked her where I might obtain my own set of cigarettes. She said that I would have to roll my own, but did offer to sell me a small clear sack full of the flammable material for some sum of money. When she refused to consider a handful of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish as an alternative form of payment, I zapped the crap out of her with my ray gun and took the remainder of the cigarettes she had in her possession as well as several clear bags of the flammable material she said was necessary to construct the cigarettes. I plan on dismantling one of the previously constructed cigarettes so as to discover the manner in which such are constructed.
Posted by: Zongo the Ruthless at
06:46 PM
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It's all in the name
A reader had the audacity to ask me why I happened to choose this certain blog to commandeer so as to brag about my exploits as I move around in order to conquer this backward world. Well, of course, I used my handy dandy ray gun and zapped the crap out of the little bastard for disturbing my nap in asking that question, and for those of you who might be wondering, yes, I do sleep with my eyes open, so don't assume I am awake just because I am looking at you -- people get the crap zapped out of them for making such mistake, but let us get back to the issue. Although the questioner is no longer around to benefit from my answering of his question, I will do so for the benefit of those whom I have yet to zap the crap out of with my handy dandy ray gun. I chose this particular blog because it was so aptly named that it provided the location from whence I came. Now, please step forward in single file so that I may commence zapping the crap out of you.
Posted by: Zongo the Ruthless at
04:28 PM
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Oh well, you cannot bring back the zapped
Alas, it appears I made a mistake. I zapped the poor pimple-faced clerk at Radio Shack yesterday because he would not take my zapped goldfish in exchange for the gross of K-cell batteries I needed to supply power for my ray gun. I lost my temper because he did not seem to understand the galactic exchange rules. Well, my bad! because, after returning to this hovel that I commandeered upon landing on this backward planet, I pulled out my copy of the bestselling Handbook of Out-of-this-World Travelers. I found that the rules regarding the current exchange rate was referring to something called Pepperidge Farms Goldfish. Oh wow, do I feel like I have rat's ass egg all over my face. Still, it was worth having to own up to a mistake to remember the sizzle of those zits on that pimple-faced asshole when the beam of my ray gun was melting is face. If you want to make something of my mistake, just remember that I have enough K-cell batteries to power my ray gun long enough for me to find out where you live, to come over, and zap the crap out of you for giving me a load of your bullshit. Mind your P's and Q's -- if you know what's good for you!
They say this brings happiness.
Posted by: Zongo the Ruthless at
09:30 AM
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August 04, 2004
Oh my, what is that smell?
Well, if you thought that mice, cats, dogs and birds stunk when you zapped the crap out of them with a ray gun, you ought to smell what a tank full of ugly orange colored fish smells like when you zap the crap out of them. I sure am glad that I finally found the right size battery to power my ray gun. Take my advice, when you purchase your next one, make sure it does not take K-cell batteries. Do you know how hard they are to find? I finally found a place called Radio Shack that sold all kinds of cheap electronic equipment, but thankfully had a good stock of K-cells. I bought a gross. And speaking of gross, do you want to know what is really gross? The face of some stupid pimple-faced Radio Shack clerk after you zap the crap out of him with your ray gun. It seems that he was unfamiliar with the galactic exchange rate and threw a fit about me dumping a pocket load of zapped stinky orange colored fish onto the counter as payment for the 144 K-cell batteries. He got so hot he looked like he was about to explode. I felt it was only fair to assist him in his quest by giving his fat head a little zap from my ray gun and it exploded in such a lovely array of colors.
Posted by: Zongo the Ruthless at
05:27 PM
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August 03, 2004
What doesn't kill you can still make you look stupid
As it is my mission to take over this planet, I really do not feel it is my place to warn any of you current denizens about anything harmful coming you way, but this is really important. Take your thumb out of your butt and listen up! Better yet, pass this warning along to everyone you possible know!
If some guy in a green uniform and a Mountie hat knocks on your front door announcing some research they are conducting on the spread of deer ticks, and asking that you to take off your clothes and dance around so that you can be inspected for signs of deer tick infection, DO NOT DO IT! This is a SCAM! They only want to see you naked.
I only wish that someone had taken the time to warn me. My embarrassment at the fiasco almost left me with the feeling that I was unworthy of being the conqueror of this planet.
Posted by: Zongo the Ruthless at
05:32 PM
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August 02, 2004
Would it kill ya to have just a smidgen of modesty?*
Like some guy from my planet would say such a crappy thing to a member of the female species. People on your planet are so weird, it is almost too easy to come up with a scheme to vanquish the minions of this rock. But then again, it seems like most of the people on this planet are trying to push it off on me without a fight. Now, I am wondering if it is worth conquering, if so many are looking for some way off of the planet. I was standing around on the corner in my spacesuit, still wearing my helmet so as to keep the climate control working, because the corner on which I was standing was in full sunlight and the ambient temperature was somewhere in the triple digits on the Fahrenheit scale, the normal scale used for gauging temperature on the galactic scale. So, here I was just standing there, observing several strange looking members walking around with their pants hanging off of their ass or having crammed their bodies into clothing that was likely for someone a few sizes smaller than the denizen dressed in such, hair colors being of unnatural colors and in some of the strangest styles seen on any planet. I almost forgot I was on Earth and thought I had somehow been teleported to the Galactic Nuthouse Mental Institution on Corious Prime. Oh, and to whichever one of you owns this stupid bulldog, could you please get it to stop humping my leg?
*This line was spoken on That 70's Show by the geeky little guy to the red headed Amazon.
Posted by: Zongo the Ruthless at
06:33 PM
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August 01, 2004
Who's on first?
I listened to the most ridiculous conversation between these two men. One said something about the names of the baseball team, like it would not be written on the back of their jersey or something, and this second guy kept asking who was on first while seemingly having no understanding of what the other guy was saying. The whole fiasco was being broadcast on a planet-wide basis from some antenna in that strange looking city on the east coast of what some call North America. The name of the city escapes me, but it seems that I recall the owner's name was something Turner. The level of intelligence on this planet never ceases to amuse me. That there are those among your pitiful species that actually imagine they have any intelligence above the level of some jungle primate is almost amazing to the nth degree. If I didn't have my lower left arm in a sling due to an injury I received in yesterday's handball match against King Kong, I would have already conquered this backward planet. That guy has one of the nastiest serves in the universe for a little guy.
Posted by: Zongo the Ruthless at
05:38 PM
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